A Long Walk to Forever

Early Dismissal

2011-12-29T00:43:00.003-05:00

We left for our long-awaited Disney vacation on Monday, and were back home in our beds late Tuesday evening due to injury and illness. Yikes.

I am happy to report that even with all of the walking, my knee only buckled once and that was getting out of the infamous Jungle Cruise ride. You know, because they couldn't wait the extra 20 seconds it would take me to maneuver correctly. My right calf muscle did not fair as well, and so I am now hobbling to get around -- again. I am guessing it is a mid-level strain, so nothing too serious, but enough to ensure that I stayed housebound today.

More about Disney later . . .

Drawing Strength

2011-12-26T01:18:00.003-05:00

"Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there." -- Marcus Aurelius

This, this is the quote that sustains me when I down and weary, and it is one I have been reflecting upon almost constantly these past two weeks. When my head ached so badly that I started retching, this is the quote that helped me, that let me know it would eventually be done. When PT was hard and I was not sure if I could go on, I chanted this quote to get me through the last exercises. And when work threatened to topple me -- Marcus Aurelius is the man I turned to.

I did not always know I was strong, but I know it now. It is why I have difficulty giving up, even when it is in my best interest. But it is this tenacity that will see me through, it is this "source of strength" that helps me to survive.

Bone Weary

2011-12-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

I am bone weary this week, doing my best to stay active, to stay awake. Today I finally succumbed - unknowingly - to a nap. While it felt good to rest my body, I am now only somewhat energized.

Sometimes I think about my fatigue as a piece of corrugated cardboard. You have the thin top layer that holds it all together, that makes everything okay. Beneath it though is that more dense layer which makes up the bulk of the cardboard. They fit together seamlessly, but if the top part goes there is a mottled mess underneath.

I am always prone to fatigue, but the constant battles with pain and injury have made it worse. Everything takes twice as much effort and about 5x as long. Trips to the store have to be planned out well in advance - there is no "just going to run in for a moment" now. Housework is done in stages, meaning that just about the time I have completely finished with all of the tasks each week it is time to start over. This used to just happen with laundry, but now it is everything.

And unfortunately, because of the wall of fatigue that has hit lately combined with the stress, my migraines have returned. Every day's headache is a continuation of the day before until they all bleed together. Sometimes I pray for the pain to stop coming in waves, for it to either abate full or to come on full force without let up. Maybe then I could feel justified in skivvying off of work and neglected my duties. Until then though . . .

Playin' the Game

2011-12-06T22:57:00.003-05:00

Just sitting back and playing the game right now. So much is going on that I am collapsing in bed in each night, only to be kept awake with my to-do list in my head. I keep saying, "After tomorrow it will get better" or "after next week things will slow down", but they are downright crayzee!

PT for the first time tomorrow, but heading there with a smile on my face.

But I've Seen It on TV and It's the Same Thing - Right?

2011-11-27T00:02:00.004-05:00

You grew up the 70s if you can say, "But I know how it's done! I watched M*A*S*H!"

You grew up the 80s if you can say, "But I know how it's done! I watched Doogie Howser!"

You grew up the 90s if you can say, "But I know how it's done! I watched E.R.!"

You grew up the 2000s if you can say, "But I know how it's done! I watched House!"

- - - - -

For the past several years I have debated back and forth about going to medical school and becoming a doctor. I have had many, many people try to discourage me along the way - MANY people. They make me doubt myself, my ability to persevere, my smarts - everything. Yet the urge keeps coming back.

It was only after a conversation today though that I know which discipline truly suits me. K. and I were talking on the phone and she was suggesting that I try to turn my desires into something in the teaching field. After all, she said, you like going to school - you are always taking classes!

Hmmm, she's right. I love learning new things, so much in fact that I am constantly reading journals and articles even when I do not have to (and try to encourage others to do the same). And I really like reading research studies and like designing them in my mind. So maybe what I really want to be is a biomedical scientist.

More to follow as I continue to research this option . . .

Bun-Bun

2011-11-22T23:29:00.001-05:00

Reposted from an old journal . . .

It is a beautiful sight, my daughter cuddling with her Bun-bun.

When she was small, I often worried about her because she hadn't formed an attachment with any of her stuffed animals "friends." She loved them all, but none exclusively above the others. Then, one day, she chose her bunny as her favorite.

She dragged him by the ears back and forth across the house and just when I thought all of the stuffing would come out of him if she didn't stop, she would suddenly clutch him tightly to her chest and squeeze him. I knew it was true love.

"Bun-bun," she would call out in anguish when she couldn't find him, "Where are yooooou?" And she would search the house until she would either find him, or be forced to conclude the search because she was crying too much to continue.

Six years later she still carries her Bun-bun with her and still cries when she cannot find him. "Mama," she asked me this evening right before bed, "If you find him tonight while I am sleeping, will you still give him to me? Because he is real, you know. Really real." And then she whispered, "And he is not as good as Fuzzy or my other stuffed animals."

And to think that I was once concerned about her.

- - - - -

This was written five years ago, and though she no longer sobs when she loses her Bun-bun, the concern is evident.

Hakuna Matata

2011-11-22T22:54:00.002-05:00

Bone marrow looked good - yay! The best comment of the visit came when I was asked about lab work:

Dr D: Did you have lab work done today?

Me: No.

Dr. D: Ah, what's the point? It's high every time you come!

Why yes, yes it is.

I still do not know what is causing the chronically elevated white count, but I can definitely rule out leukemia and other major blood diseases -- and that is enough for me.

The Other, Other 1%

2011-11-21T23:17:00.003-05:00

These are the worst hours, the hours the night before an appointment. Nobody is awake, or if they are awake, they are cozy in their beds and not wanting to chat on the phone.

At this point the marrow has been gone from my body for three weeks now and the results are in. Tomorrow is the day.

Overall, I would say I am 99% unconcerned. After all, Dr. D said that he was doing it only as a precaution based on the negative peripheral blood findings and I have not been called with any life-changing results. Yet, that still leave the 1% uncertainty, the knowing that life likes to throw odd twists and challenges my way.

So that is where I have been these past few weeks . . . patiently waiting, trying to quell the anxiety. Though it could be worse. Tomorrow I could show up and am told that there is something wrong but we do not know what it is . . . go to Dr. X instead. He/she will know.

All Roads Lead to Disney II

2011-11-15T13:30:00.001-05:00

. . . I was going to finish writing about our adventure. Really, I was. Life is just so distracting sometimes.

Essentially, the point was that we had no clue how to get to Disney from where we were, but that did not matter. We could turn just about any where and it would lead us to Disney. Heck, even leaving Disney we could find roads to take us back to Disney.

The wee'un and I made it to the Food and Wine Fest, watched agog as chefs cooked novel creations, and declined the samples (and wine). The other people really like it that I declined the wine because that meant that they got two glasses. They chose to toast us in their slightly inebriated state, and part of me was both enchanted and disturbed.

We left after about 4 hours due to stomachaches and headaches and decided to head home.

All Roads Lead to . . . Disney?

2011-11-06T21:32:00.003-05:00

The wee'un and I realized late Saturday evening that next weekend (which is completely booked for us) was the last weekend of the EPCOT Food & Wine festival, so we quickly shifted our plans so that we were able to attend today. Oi, what a headache.

We started off the day by having breakfast with friends at Shoney's. For those of you who might not remember Shoney's (I know I didn't), it is set up as a buffet with a menu available as needed. But mainly it is a buffet. Filled with lots of breakfast foods. And bacon - remember the bacon.

Our friends and their four children had already arrived and been seated - in the back, of course - by the time we pulled it, but no biggie. The wee'un and I quickly found them, consulted the menu, and went off to grab some grub.

Now, since the wee'un is no longer quite a wee'un any more, I let her choose what she wants to eat. I see her come back with a plate full of bacon and chicken . . . wait, what? Seriously? She scarfs it down and heads for more. It is all I can do not to stare (but the table next to us sure did!).

We finally finish up breakfast and leave to begin our EPCOT adventure . . . if we can get there, that is . . .

Pop Goes the . . . What????

2011-11-04T23:13:00.003-04:00

My recovery from the bone marrow aspiration and biopsy has been quite unremarkable: no fever, no inflammation, no drainage - no problem! In fact, yesterday evening I was even thinking to myself that even the achiness had fled. Then comes today.

I was in the shower this morning and I began to reach for the shampoo. Suddenly I heard a rapid "pop-pop-pop", felt a shift in my back, and instant pain in the biopsied area. I instantly bent over again, trying to reduce the pressure on the area, and discovered that every time I tried to straighten shooting pains would begin. Not fun.

I started thinking back on the release paper. "Call doctor if fever . . ." Nope. "Redness . . ." Nope. "Heat. . ." Nope. Change in type of pain. Heck yeah!

So I decided it was in my best interest to call. After all, it's on a Friday and what always happens on Fridays? Yep, that's right - you get sick and there is nobody around. I've had this happen often enough in my life; thought I should cash in this time.

Turns out there was nothing wrong though, so back to life as usual.

All Souls Day

2011-11-02T22:45:00.006-04:00

Requiem aeternam dona eis,
Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Requiescant in pace. Amen.

. . . and though we are not there yet . . .

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us.

Holy Virgin of virgins,
pray for us.

Mother of the Crucified,
pray for us.

Sorrowful Mother,
pray for us.

Mournful Mother,
pray for us.

Sighing Mother,
pray for us.

Afflicted Mother,
pray for us.

Forsaken Mother,
pray for us.

Desolate Mother,
pray for us.

Mother most sad,
pray for us.

Mother set around with anguish,
pray for us.

Pray for us, most Sorrowful Virgin,
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

All Saints Day

2011-11-01T23:41:00.004-04:00

Before I forget and the date changes, All Saints Day is today! I'd like to recognize my saint, St. Teresa, and thank her for her guidance during difficult times.

And for the rest of you, Louis Armstrong!

Aspirations

2011-11-01T19:10:00.006-04:00

Ah, aspirations. Everyone has them (or they should). But I caution you - there are some types you may wish to avoid.

Today I had a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration, and let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've had one of those! Luckily my doctor is a kind soul and likes IV sedation, so one minute I was awake and chatting about how the room was colder than the Arctic and telling my doctor he did not need to take another vacation when he got to visit rooms like this on a regular basis, and the next minute I was ~~sitting in a bathtub filled with ice~~ sitting up on the gurney trying to remember exactly why the back of my hip / pelvis area hurt so much and what the heck I had done that had caused my underwear to be bunched around my knees. Oh, right.

At this point, the procedure happened almost 12 hrs ago. I have walked, stretched, iced, Tylenoled - I've got it down. The nausea and deep achiness is not getting better though; if anything, it has deepened. If I thought yelling or crying would help, I would do it, but I know the only thing to do is endure. Many people have had this procedure done (most without IV sedation!) and survived, so I can also. I will say that I feel as if someone has drilled into the deepest region of my bone and sucked out the marrow. . . waaaaaaiiiit a second here. Maybe this is a bad comparison to use. Let's just say it's not a pleasant feeling.

What makes it worse is the waiting game. First was the waiting game for the test itself; now it's waiting for the results. November 22nd is my follow-up appointment, the day before vacation begins. The nice things about having it on that date is if the news is good, vacation will be even better. If the news is not so good, well, at least I can loose myself in the bustle of our trip. It's win-win, just the way I like to play.

Stay tuned for more . . .

Velocity

2011-10-12T05:29:00.003-04:00

Every time I have grown or changed in my life, I have deleted the information in my blog and started over again.

If you have just arrived, you are seeing an blank blog because that change has just recently taken place. I am planning on writing again, but just need a bit of time to figure where I want to take this blog. I ask for your patience, s'il vous plait.