Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I created a LiveJournal. While I wasn’t a beta-tester, my member number was pretty low. I “met” many, many wonderful people. Authors, aspiring authors — we would chat and comment and fill out silly quizzes and talk about Harry Potter. HP was quite the subject. I had a full journal, filled with thoughts, plots, ramblings. It’s still there, but much of it has been scrubbed; little has been left for posterity in this case.

Then I started a journal on Blogspot, before it became Blogger’s little tentacle. Again, there were people, posts, interactions, etc. I was becoming a new person, but the I decided to change my ways and become a new person, and I needed something new. No more gloominess or hopelessness; option only. So, I just stopped writing. And everything disappeared. Everyone disappeared. Again.

Now I write here knowing that they are words to myself. It appears that this is the person I’ve become. Tightly bound in a nutshell which I am trying to convince myself that it has infinite space.

It’s not working.

Why Not Me?

Several years ago, I became ill. Migraines, vertigo, falls. My neurologist did multiple scans  to ensure that I did not have a brain tumor, as well as a lumbar puncture. Luckily, that was not in my stars, though I do have a permanent illness.

A few years ago, my white cell counts were off, as were other counts. My hematologist drew vial upon vi of blood, and then ordered a bone marrow biopsy to ensure that I did not have leukemia. Luckily, that was not in my stars either, though I do have a permanent blood disorder.

During that time, I also tore my ACL. Both xrays and an MRI were done, and I was cleared for surgery. Unfortunately, that too was not in my stars.

I have lost jobs, I have had my school close, I have traveled down dark roads. All of it occurring throughout the times when I was ill. At several points in time I wept, I despaired. I wondered why it was all happening to me. I had a child to raise! I was young! My career!

One day, as I was once again crying out, “Why me? What have I done wrong with my life to be afflicted so?”a voice inside finally me shouted back:

“Why you, you ask, you plead? Why NOT you?”

Oh. 

I didn’t even try to argue that point; it was a show-stopper. And I was glad of it, for my voice gave good counsel.

Am I an optimist? No, not at all. But I grew up that day and ceased looking through the glass darkly. Bad things befall most people in the world.

Why not me?

Inconceivable

Today I was looking at a short story, the story from which I drew the name of this blog, and was surprised to find that my blog still existed. I thought I had deleted it years ago, in a pique of despair and self-loathing. I believed that I had deleted everything, much as I had done before. But there it sat, patiently waiting for me.

Even more surprising was how my last entry was more than three years ago. Three years that seem like a lifetime. Oh, how the world has changed since then.

Some believe that the world has evolved. And it has - in certain ways.

Some believe that the world has devolved. And it has - in certain ways.

My personal world has been a mixture of the two.