Turn the Page for a New Chapter

Yes, but sometimes the book just isn't worth reading in the first place. That is when it needs to be put down.

Or even better, burned until the pages char, the air reeks of smoke, blackened bits fall upon the ground, and no more is left. Then that poorly written POS can be forgotten and people can move on with their lives.

Advent

Advent started on Sunday . . . and I missed it. I guess I have missed a lot lately.

Lyrics to "The Summons" have been on my mind this evening as well as "Canticle" (both Sun and Mary), although I cannot seem to find the version of Canticle that I know.

Tonight I also realized that I actually do not mind going to church. It's amazing how when you are not forced to go it can somehow become more important.

*Blink*

My last entry was over two weeks ago, yet I have no clue what I have been doing since then. Filling up life with the mundane, I suppose.

Back to school tomorrow (but this time I actually have lesson plans that I think will work!). Hopefully these next few weeks before Christmas vacation will go better than the last few weeks.

I also hope this cold departs soon. I grow weary of the constant sneezing.

Question Answered

The answer to the last post is . . . five days.

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I had to stop reading Post Secret because the secrets were too overwhelming.

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I have conversations with people and then forget what we talked about just after we have finished speaking.

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People are so damn mean to each other

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I need an answer to my question. Stop jerking me around.

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I would wish the music in my head would stop, but then I would have to deal with the other sounds and I am not sure which is worse

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Even if there was someone to tell, would it be of any help?

How Long Until I Hit Bottom?

My teaching days are numbered. Every day it is more difficult to wake up and go to school, take care of students, grade papers, and then repeat it all over again. Truly, if I could find a job that pays as much as I make now, I would give up my summers. The stress of it all makes me die a little more every day.

I also wonder if my parenting days are numbered. I love my daughter, but I have a hard time being there for her when I am hardly there for myself. I do not abuse or neglect her, and I always make sure that there is food in the house and clean clothes on her body, but the connection we once had just doesn't seem to be there any more and I do not have the energy to find it. So maybe this is a form of neglect after all -- I don't know.

I want to curl up into a little ball and sleep, but someone has to earn the money to keep this household going, someone has to do the things that need to get done. That someone is me. I hate it, but I cannot see any way around it. Every day gets a little harder and a little colder, and I grow a little smaller inside. Soon there may be nothing left, and then, then I can rest in peace.

So *This* Is What the Stuff Is For

Tonight I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe, sobbing about everything and nothing. Nasty thoughts. Then I caved in and took some ativan. Now it still hurts but I no longer care.

It wasn't the school, it's teaching in general. It just isn't for me. But that is the least of my worries.

PostSecret

I am in love with the concept of PostSecret: send in an anonymous postcard with any secret you'd like to share. The maintainer would then scan the pictures (or in the beginning, just take photos) and post them for everyone to see. Some are hilarious, some are heartbreaking. Even if the one you send in isn't featured though, you still have the opportunity to let people know something that you've kept hidden.

Unfortunately, the maintainer has been too busy with his book tour to update. In addition, it appears that the archive of secrets has been removed since I was last there.


ETA: I found a site that had archived secrets!

Bleh

Very tired and not feeling well, but I have to go to work. Ugh.

Overdoing It

How do I know? 'Cuz I am gulping Ativan like candy and am not sleeping.

Conversation

"I need to quit my job. It is too much."

"But what will you do?"

"I don't know yet; maybe work at a grocery store for a little while."

*Scoffs*

"You don't want to do that. You are so much better than that."

"What else am I supposed to do? I don't sleep, I have constant anxiety attacks, and I cannot think worth a damn. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

"Grin and bear it, I guess. You just have to take it one day at a time. Live in the moment."


Fucker. Do you not understand that I am about to have a freakin breakdown because I cannot handle the stress any longer??? And all any of the people that I go to can say, if they are actually there to listen, is "just put one foot in front of the other" or some other type of cliche?! I. CANNOT. HANDLE. IT. AND. I. AM. ASKING. FOR. HELP. AND. SUPPORT.

Screw all of my so-called friends.